By Jo-Ann Bird, M.S., LMHC, NCC

Too often parents are asked, “How did the baby get in your belly?”, “Where do babies come from?”, or more specifically, “Where did I come from? This can often be an uncomfortable and challenging situation for some parents. Thus, some parents try to avoid a direct answer to such questions. There are common concerns over how much information about sexuality to give children and at what ages.

First, it’s important to understand that children begin learning about sexuality from birth and that they get this information from a variety of sources. Some of these sources include their parent’s or caregiver’s verbal and non-verbal cues, T.V. shows and advertisements, movies, songs and music videos, magazines, the internet, and of course, their peers. Some of this information is often misleading and can send mixed messages about sexuality. This can be very confusing for children. Thus without healthy and factual information, children can be at risk for initiating sexual behaviors with potentially negative consequences.

Teaching even young children about sexuality is important. Giving children healthy and factual information about sexuality can prepare them to make healthy and responsible decisions in the future, especially when faced with peer pressure. It can also help them be more open to talking about sexuality and sexual issues later in life.

If you haven’t started talking to your child about sexuality yet, that’s okay. It’s important to just remain open and available to talk to your child when he/she comes to you with questions. Here are things to remember when you talk to your child about sex:

• Be open and honest with your child. This doesn’t mean you have to tell your young child every detail about sex. Talk to your child in a way that he/she understands and give information that is appropriate for his/her developmental level. Understand what your child is truly asking you before you answer. (Stay tuned…more information on what specifically to teach your children at different age groups will be featured in future newsletters.)
• Be on the look out for teachable moments. This might be when they ask you a question specifically about sex or you can discuss something they have just seen on T.V. or in a movie.
• Monitor your child’s activities. This includes the T.V. or movies he/she watches, their access to the internet, books, magazines, music, etc.
• Use books to help facilitate “the talks”. There are many books available that help parents talk to their children about sexuality (check out the recommended titles on the Book List).
• Think ahead. Try to imagine answers you want to give so you are not caught off guard.
• Prepare with others. Talk to your spouse, partner, or other caregivers. Make sure you are on “the same page” about the information you want to give.

Next issue: Talking To Children 0-5 Years Old About Sex.

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Effective Communication

by Caroline Hatton, LMHC

So often we hear that a key to a healthy relationship is to have good communication. But no one ever says what good communication really is or tells us what we need to do to make sure we are doing it. Following are some key points which are important in healthy and effective communication:

Start with Listening: In many conversations, we are often trying to come up with what we want to say before the other person is done talking…getting ready for our turn to talk. But when we do this, we do not always hear what the other person is truly saying. Slow down. Listen.

Let Them Know you are Listening: Sum up what you hear and say it back to the other person. You may be able to pick up on how they may be feeling.

Ask Questions: If you don’t understand what the other person is saying, then ask.

The steps above when used together are often called active listening. When used correctly, it can help build relationships. When the other person feels heard and understood, they are more willing to open up and express what is truly going on in their life.

Some important points to remember:

Using active listening does not mean you agree with the other person’s opinions. It does let the other person know that you understand their point of view.
Using active listening does not mean that you cannot talk about your own ideas. Its does mean using patience before giving your side.

Following are examples:

Not using Active Listening

Husband: I had a hard day at work today. I missed a deadline and my best worker quit. I don’t know how I am ever going to get all the work done.

Wife: You think your day was bad. Mine was worse. The kids didn’t listen and tore up the house and I never got any of the chores done. We will have to order out unless you want to cook.

Using Active Listening

Husband: I had a hard day at work today. I missed a deadline and my best worker quit. I don’t know how I am ever going to get all the work done.

Wife: You seem upset and tired after such a hard day. Did anything else happen?

As you can see in these examples, the wife in the first example was thinking of herself. In the second example, she was thinking of her husband. Which of these do you think would build the relationship? I know which one it is for me. Which kind of partner do you want to be?

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